hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
