Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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