Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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