Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
