I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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