Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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