Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
