just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
