I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
