Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm just crazy horny about you
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
