New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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