farters have to be the big spoon...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
