guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
