At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
