Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
