can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
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