I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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