I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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