Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
