there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize