Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
