Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
