cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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