At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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