I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
