yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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