first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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