respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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