Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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