i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
