Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
