your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
