I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
