i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
NoShamevember. You game?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
