if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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