Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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