saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
