I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Acid is not a monday night drug
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Randomize
