I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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