one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
