He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
