I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
