just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
