nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Randomize
