Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I AM VODKA MAN
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
