epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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