i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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