you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
