remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
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