Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
