the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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