Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
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