I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize