She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
