I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
