just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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