just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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