I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
