i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Just invented taco cereal.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
